[ Ayabe's eyebrows raise a little at that, because it's not something he can ever see in himself, but he knows somebody who is just like that, who would trip over herself to make friends with absolutely everybody she could, to the point of desperation, even with an enemy such as himself.
If she were here... she probably would have fallen down the stairs and snapped her neck or fallen into the lake and got swallowed by the kraken already, tbh. ]
I guess. It takes both sides to be friends, though. [ And he's stubborn about it, because he doesn't want it to hurt more than it inevitably will. ]
How have you been doing with that, by the way? Talking to people.
[ He almost smiles a little, but chews at his bottom lip instead of doing so. ]
People naturally worry, and come together when somebody is hurt. We saw that with Asch... [ Friday morning Asch, yesterday Asch ] The circumstances are terrible, but it's still nice to see.
[ he's trying to figure out how to phrase it, how seeing everyone help each other and stand together is nice, but it still leaves a queasy feeling in his stomach that just gets worse. ]
... is there really no one you think might be a friend here?
[ He's quiet. It might just boil down to his definition of friendship, but he can't pull a name out of the top of his head for Toi, not without second guessing himself. ]
There are... people I want to look after. I can see they care about me, to an extent, and I don't want to see them hurt, and I'm not too annoyed being with them. But I don't know if that makes us friends.
[ He's out there making bentos and eating lunch with Mafuyu on the school roof, just the two of them, but turns around and says they're not friends, so idk what to say. Mister I've-never-had-a-friend-in-my-life's standards are too high. ]
I was scared. I never faced something like that before, and I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't think a gun would do anything. And then Asch told me to kill him, so I did.
[ Ayabe bows his head when Toi says that he's scared, because that's the most normal reaction there is to any of this. Ignoring Zenitsu and Nie Huaisang who is always like that— nobody shows it, nobody admits it, nobody can afford to. That's what it feels like, hanging out with people who have so much more confidence and strength than himself.
So it's somewhat comforting, hearing this. ]
Is that why you chose the gun, thinking it wouldn't do anything? [ He had refused to kill Asch at first, Ayabe recalls, but then again, that was before he transformed and forced Toi's hand. ]
Like you were compelled to, or were so focused on that that you couldn't see anything else? I'm only asking because Michiru chose something different. I guess she wouldn't choose a gun if she can't see.
[ And for Toi who's never fought, a gun might be his weapon of choice, not needing anything requiring strength. ]
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[ Looking after people is one thing, taking care of them is something else, and being cared for in return are all completely different matters. ]
I understand working together, but being friends in a situation like this, won't it just bias us? Like nobody suspecting Nikki.
[ People would defend their friends no matter what, whether or not they're guilty, whether they know they're guilty.
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[ it's said... not mockingly, but with the implication that he doesn't quite believe it. ]
When things get hard, sometimes you band together, even if it might hurt more, I guess.
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If she were here... she probably would have fallen down the stairs and snapped her neck or fallen into the lake and got swallowed by the kraken already, tbh. ]
I guess. It takes both sides to be friends, though. [ And he's stubborn about it, because he doesn't want it to hurt more than it inevitably will. ]
How have you been doing with that, by the way? Talking to people.
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[ the reason is that people keep checking on him, which is extremely baffling to toi, and it's evident in his expression that this is
goddamn weird
why are people being nice ]
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[ That's how friendship gets you. People flock to provide comfort and you're in too much pain to run away. ]
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[ HE'D BE. WALKING A LOT MORE SLOWLY. ]
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[ He almost smiles a little, but chews at his bottom lip instead of doing so. ]
People naturally worry, and come together when somebody is hurt. We saw that with Asch... [ Friday morning Asch, yesterday Asch ] The circumstances are terrible, but it's still nice to see.
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is it nice? he has to think about it. ]
It feels a little mean.
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[ The situation as a whole sucks, but when do you ever see people come together for the sake of others. He takes what he can. ]
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... is there really no one you think might be a friend here?
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There are... people I want to look after. I can see they care about me, to an extent, and I don't want to see them hurt, and I'm not too annoyed being with them. But I don't know if that makes us friends.
[ He's out there making bentos and eating lunch with Mafuyu on the school roof, just the two of them, but turns around and says they're not friends, so idk what to say. Mister I've-never-had-a-friend-in-my-life's standards are too high. ]
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[ for someone who also keeps rejecting friendship, toi has a lot of opinions on the subject. ]
You should hang onto that. You might get something good.
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This isn't some video game where I spend enough time with somebody to become friends and get a gift at the end...
[ if only friendship were as easy as social linking ]
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[ he's a terrible 14 year old ]
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...Okay. So what part of that is mean?
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[ He points a finger at himself because sometimes he's a jerk on purpose? He can be mean. ]
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Never mind.
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Well. Ayabe has no idea what he was getting at, so he can't pursue it any further if Toi's decided to drop it. ]
How are you doing mentally?
[ What does it feel like to kill a man ]
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[ he actually sounds... amused. ]
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Do you need me to be more delicate about it?
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I was scared. I never faced something like that before, and I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't think a gun would do anything. And then Asch told me to kill him, so I did.
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So it's somewhat comforting, hearing this. ]
Is that why you chose the gun, thinking it wouldn't do anything? [ He had refused to kill Asch at first, Ayabe recalls, but then again, that was before he transformed and forced Toi's hand. ]
Was that the only thing in the box?
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[ hm. ]
I just picked up a gun. I don't know how to describe it.
[ is he ignoring the first question? yes. ]
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Like you were compelled to, or were so focused on that that you couldn't see anything else? I'm only asking because Michiru chose something different. I guess she wouldn't choose a gun if she can't see.
[ And for Toi who's never fought, a gun might be his weapon of choice, not needing anything requiring strength. ]
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